


Love and Let Love

by swtltlmrvlgrl



Series: Love and Let Love [1]
Category: Chris Evans - Fandom, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Steve Rogers AU - Freeform, Steve Rogers Angst, Steve Rogers Imagine, Steve Rogers series, marvel imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-18 00:18:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10605339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtltlmrvlgrl/pseuds/swtltlmrvlgrl
Summary: You discovered that your boyfriend, Derek (OC), cheated on you with your best friend, Aleesha (OC). You were devastated and then you met Steve and then suddenly everything fell into place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This part is just an introduction to the series so there are only few Steve x Reader moment, but of course you’ll be getting more as the series progresses. In the middle of writing the fic, I actually considered Bucky as the cheating boyfriend but, I can’t see Bucky as the type that cheats. 
> 
> I hope you'll like it! Comments and feedbacks are highly appreciated!

 “Any additional order, Ma’am?” the cashier asks.

“I think that’s all.”

The cashier repeats your orders – two pieces of cheese burgers, the other one with extra cheese. Derek, your boyfriend loves cheese  so much, that sometimes you would joke about him loving cheese more than you, but since, it’s your anniversary, of course you’ll give him what he loves (aside from you).

After picking up your orders neatly placed in a paper bag, you exit the fast food chain and you start walking towards your apartment. Maybe because you are too excited to go home that you don’t notice your wallet drop. Fortunately, a blue-eyed blonde man was kind enough to give your wallet back.

“Be careful next time. This isn’t really a safe place to drop your wallets.” He smiled and you smile back.

“Thanks” You reach for your wallet and decided to put it inside the paper bag to avoid the incident from happening again.

On your way home, you reminisce the moments you had with Derek this past seven years. _We’ve been through a lot_ , you thought.  Remembering all your precious memories made you feel giddy. Your relationship was definitely not perfect but you were happy.

 Once, during your first year of being together, you discovered that he was cheating on you with some girl at work. The two of you were young at that time, and you didn’t talk with each other for a month or so, but the end of the day, you forgave and forgot.

 That’s what love is, right? Choosing to be together, despite of what happened. Now, you’re at that point in your relationship, where eating snacks and eating Netflix is your favorite way of celebrating your anniversary.

But Derek has other plans for your anniversary.

The take-out bag that you were carrying a while ago is now on the ground, as you reach for your keys inside your right pocket. After inserting the key and turning the door knob, you realize that the door was already unlocked. You immediately pick up the paper bag and place the keys inside your pocket and slowly went inside the apartment.

“Derek? Honey, are you there? I’m ho-”

You hear thrashing sounds from the direction of your bed room. By instinct, you immediately walk into the kitchen and reach for the kitchen knife. Then you slowly and quietly proceed to your bedroom. As you come closer to the room, sounds are becoming more audible – and less threatening.

Two steps forward. You hear groaning. A few steps more.  You hear moaning. There were a few instances where you can hear loving whispers. You are now more frightened about the fact that the voices you hear aren’t from thieves but from two of the most of important people in your life. Each step you take as you come closer to your room, you wish that you’re just mishearing things and that thieves are really inside you’re room.

They were criminals, alright – guilty of breaking your heart.

Quietly, you step into the half-open door of your bedroom. You saw your boyfriend and your best friend making love with each other – their bodies rhythmically dancing as one. Apparently, their love is too intense that they don’t even notice you standing by the door.

 Should you run away? Shout? Hide?

_Neither_.

You just step closer to them - one step, another one and then another one.

At each step, you wish that everything happening in front of you is all but a bad dream. But it wasn’t. Each step turned out to be a step towards reality. It was real - too real that your body started freezing up. _This is real_. A tear fell from your eyes.

THUD!

The sound of the knife falling from your hands made them stop. Derek looked at the direction of the sound; it took him a few seconds to realize that you were standing right there.

“Shit!” He immediately tries to stand up.

 Aleesha, irritated by Derek’s sudden movement, gazed towards your direction, too.

“What is i—Y/N? This is not wha--”

She is now conscious of her naked body and they are frantically picking up their clothes while trying to explain the situation.

“This isn’t what you think!”

“You’re mistaken!”

“Shit!”

You hear a lot of shouting from their direction, but you’re stuck. You’re frozen.

But then, you feel a sudden boost of strength flowing through your legs. You seized that moment. With the adrenaline kicking in, you start running - towards the bed room door, through the kitchen and then out of the apartment.

 You are running away - from everyone, from everything. You are sprinting fast with the hopes that your feet will take you into another world, into another dimension that will take you away from the pain that you are feeling right now.

The tears are clouding your sight and you can’t even see where you were going. You just turn left and then right, straight and then around. You were bumping people along the way. Some would even shout at you, and some didn’t even care. 

Then you bumped into a particular man – the same man that gave you back your wallet a while ago.  You apologized and when he was about to tell you something, he stopped and just stared at you. Worry slowly making its way across his face.

You look away, but you suddenly feel his hands grabbing your wrist.

“Are you okay?”

His voice was calm, but you can tell that he is concerned.

“I’m – I’m sorry.” You pulled your hand away from his and you started running again – his azure eyes still gazing upon you.

A few minutes after your encounter with the blonde man, you stop running, and you find yourself in the middle of a park.  Panting, you stride to the nearest bench just below the street light and you sit there.

You curl your body up and hug your legs, while covering your face between your knees. The weight of what just happened slowly donning on you.

Derek and Aleesha.

Your boyfriend and your bestfriend.

Two of the people you cherish.

Two of the people you care about.

Two of the people you love.

They cheated on you.

You feel devastated. You cry. You feel hopeless. You bawl your eyes out. You feel emotionally strained. The tears won’t stop. You feel despondent.

You feel empty.

You feel hollow.

The heavens might’ve pitied you, because the sky started to cry too.

While you are crying at the bench by the street lamp, the blonde man you bumped into half an hour ago, is still thinking about you. He can’t seem to forget what your face looked like. In your eyes, he saw despair, emptiness and pain. He wants to comfort you, but he doesn’t know where you are. As he gaze at the streets through the window of the fast food chain, with the half-eaten burger on the table, raindrops started to fall.

Without even thinking, he grabs his umbrella and started running.

He doesn’t know where you are, but he feels that wherever you are, it’s the place that he should be too. He tries to recall the direction that you took a few minutes ago, and blindly started to run in that path. He is running. He turns left and then right – through the sea of people and through the pouring rain.

He wants to find you.

He _needs_ to find you.

He arrives at the park, and he looks around.

_He found you._


	2. Chapter 2

It suddenly became quiet. The rain stopped and the light from the street lamp turned dim. A voice breaks the silence.

“Hi.”

His voice sounds tired, it sounds as if he’d been running the whole day. You move your head up to acknowledge the man. And for the third time that day, you find yourself gazing at the familiar set of blue piercing eyes.

He is looking down at you, while holding an umbrella in his right hand.

 _Oh_.

You realize that the rain didn’t really stop - he was sheltering you from the rain, and on the process he also covered a part of the street lamp. The two of you were just staring at each other, and in an attempt to break the awkward silence, he started to speak.

“I – I’m – uhm – I’m Steve. Steve Rogers.”

You blink – confused and uncertain.

_What? Who in the right mind would introduce himself to a lady, crying in the middle of the park?_

He clears his throat. “We’ve actually met - a while ago. Technically, we didn’t MEET. But we bumped into each other twice today.”

_Annoying._

“Look. Uhm. Steve Rogers” you wipe the trail of tears on your face and gaze at the umbrella he’s holding. “I appreciate the gesture, but you can go now. Thanks.” You return to your position before he disturbed you - your body curled and cup your face in between your knees.

Your rudeness didn’t even make him budge. He remained standing there, planted like a tree in front of you.

He sighs.

 _He’s giving up_.

But he isn’t.

You feel a cold metal touch your shoulders and your knees. He placed the umbrella on top of you and then proceeds to sitting beside you.

You’re too tired to move and look up at him again. But he has to leave – you want him to leave.  So putting a lot of effort to sound annoyed, you speak up. “What are you doing?”

 Silence.

“Leave me alone.”

 “Look. You’re crying and you’re clothes are wet from the rain in the middle of a PUBLIC park.” He paused. “You’re not in the mood for small talks, okay, I respect that. But I’m also not in the mood to leave you here. Alone. So whether you like it or not, I’m staying here. ”

_Annoying._

You don’t even want to care anymore. “Whatever. Do what you want.”

Apparently, what Steve wants was to talk (Why are you not surprised?) For the first few minutes, he talked about his old neighbor who owns plenty of cats, and that sometimes the old lady would ask him to take off the cat fur all over her sweater. Then he talked about how weak he was as a kid.  He was so weak and frail that one doctor told his mother that he’d die at the age of ten. But then, a strange miracle happened, and his still living at this time at the age of 27.

He kept talking and talking, and most of the time you didn’t bother to listen. But one story caught your attention.

“I had a dog once, when I was a kid.” He starts. “Every day at exactly 6 o’clock, he would wake me up. My mom can’t... because she has work. You know, late nights and early mornings – I was usually left alone at home.” His voice sounded so lonely, it was sorrowful – it was longing. “One day, he didn’t wake me up. I looked at the clock, it was 10 a.m. and I was extremely late for school. I dashed out of my room and I was actually planning to scold him. But then, all the anger that I had disappeared when I saw him lying there a few steps from my bed room door – dead and motionle -  ”

You shoot your head up and your sudden movement cut him off. The umbrella covering you a while ago is now on the ground

“Name.” you demand, as you look intently into his eyes.

 “What’s the dog’s name?” you said - suddenly aware of your abrupt movements, you take your eyes away from him.

Steve chuckles.

“What’s so funny?” You look at him.

He stops laughing, but you can still see how amused he is. “I’m sorry. Benedict. The dog’s name was Benedict.”

“Oh.” You motion towards the umbrella to pick it up, and then you realize something.

There’s only one umbrella.

The whole time that Steve was talking to you, telling stories (more than half of it you didn’t even listen to), Steve was literally under the pouring rain – and you were under his umbrella.

The rain slowly came to a stop. As your vision became clearer, the image of Steve shivering from the cold weather and his warm smile became clearer too.

_Annoying._

While folding the umbrella, you can feel Steve’s eyes searching you – you can feel him observing you. And you were sure that beneath the puffy red eyes and the visible trails of tears on your face, he can see that you feel guilty.

With your eyes still fixated on the ground, you apologize. “I’m sorry. I was too consumed about my feelings ...” You pause to look at him. “...that I forgot about yours.”

“You know, it was my choice to stay here and give you the umbrella. So you don’t need to - ”

“Still!” You look down. “I’m sorry.”

He sighs. “It’s getting late, and we’re both soaked.  Let’s just call it a night. I’ll take you home and make sure you’re safe”

 _Home_.

The sound of it made your heart ache – you place your right palm on your chest with the hopes that it could patch up the pieces of your broken heart.

“I don’t have a home.”

He paused for a moment. “Okay. How about a hotel?”

That sounded like a plan for you, but you only had your phone and your keys in your pocket – no wallet.

Steve raised an eyebrow when he saw the look on your face after you inspected your pockets.

He scratches his nape.

“Some luck we have here.” He exhales. “I only have a few spare changes with me right now, and I don’t think this’ll be enough for a hotel. This may sound really awkward, but... Do you want to stay at my place?”

Steve is a complete stranger, but you can’t see the reason why you can’t trust someone who had been nothing but kind to you. His voice was stable but you can see his hands quivering, if he doesn’t change his clothes soon, he’ll definitely get sick.

“Let’s just go to your apartment.”

\-----

A few minutes passed, and you found yourself standing in front of an apartment door.

_Room 315._

“We’re here.” Steve unlocks the door and leads you inside. “Welcome? I’m sorry. I didn’t expect a visitor, so everything’s a mess.” He points at the wooden stool by the dining table “You can take a seat there. I’ll just fix things up for you.”

You stride to the chair, and sat down.

Then, you realize.

You’re alone again.

You feel it again - the void in your chest.

But this time, there was no more Steve and his stories – no more Steve and his warm smile.

It’s just you.

Alone.

You try to relax, but you can’t. You’re chest feels like it’s about to burst open, your heart is burning and holding won’t make it feel a bit better. You can’t breathe. Inhale. Exhale. But something’s blocking the air’s pathway – it’s as if your lungs suddenly decided to stop functioning. Inhale. Exhale. You can hear your heart beating. You’re palpitating and your vision’s turning blurry. _No air. It won’t enter. The air._

_Is this what a broken heart feels like?_

In your struggle to find air, you fall from your chair.

 _Thud!_ You hit the chair with your right foot. _Thud!_   The chair hits the table. _THUD!_ Then it hits the floor.

Steve went out of his room. “What’s happening there?”

Then, he saw you gasping for air. The sight of your pale face, made him throw the things that he was holding and dash towards you.

His voice was inaudible, but you can see his lips moving and you can vaguely feel his grip on your shoulders. His grip felt protective and secure.

“Hey! Hey!” He was shaking your limp body.

“Look at me. Look at me!” He was moving your body, he was desperate. “Come on, doll. Talk to me.”

Your eyelids were becoming heavier and you can feel that Steve was looking more desperate, by the second.

_Bright. His eyes are bright._

And yet again, you found yourself gazing at his blue eyes – it was bright and calming. Steve might’ve notice your change in demeanor – your color less pale and your body more steady.

“Doll. Can you hear me?”

You nod.

“Good. Good. Good. Okay.” He fixes your position, his hands still on your shoulders. “I want you to breathe with me. Okay?”

He inhales.

You inhale with him.

He exhales.

You exhale with him.

And soon enough, your vision became clearer and heart is beating slower. With Steve’s help, you try to stand and sit on the chair.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

You take a deep breath.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” You pause. “Sorry about that.”

Saying that Steve is always looking at you, might be the biggest understatement of the century. But it doesn’t seem like he wants answers to his questions, he just seem genuinely worried. You feel bad. You were extremely rude to him and quite frankly, out of all the people in the world, he deserves an explanation to all of the things that’s been happening. But you’re scared because explaining to him also means reliving the things that happened. Explaining to him will open fresh wounds.

The clothes that suddenly appeared in front of you cut you off of your thoughts. “You can change to these.” He then hands you a blow dryer. “You might also need these to dry. The restroom’s that way”

The way he smiles at you, and the way he worries for you. _How can someone so kind exist?_ You grab the clothes and you start to walk to the restroom.

“Doll.”

You look back. “Doll? Is that supposed to be me?”

“Breathe in.” He inhales, and holds his breath. Then he exhales. “Breathe out.”

He smiles. You smile back.

\------

A few minutes later, you step out of the restroom wearing an all-blue ensemble of sweatshirt and pants. You find Steve, now wearing a different set of clothes (blue fitted shirt and gray pants), sitting at the stool opposite the one that you were sitting on a while ago. Two cups of coffee lay on the table, one of which, Steve was already drinking.

You sit in front of him and grab the cup of coffee. He slowly looks at you.

“I’m sorry you had to wear that.”

You clear your throat. “Steve.” You take a sip from your hot coffee. “I’m sorry abo – about all of this.”

He finishes his cup. “You can take my bed for the time being.” He stands up and started walking towards the sink behind you. “I think we should rest now. It’s been a long day.”

He pats your head, and you are taken aback. You are in awe.

_Annoying._

_His kindness is annoying._

He stops and pulls his hand away. The suddenly urge to hold him, made you grab him by the wrist.

_He deserves more than this._

“Y/N” You pause and let his wrist go. “My name’s Y/N L/N”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Y/N = Your Name; L/N = Your Last Name)   
> So for this part I wanted to focus more on Steve and why he’s so kind. Something along the lines of “Behind those kind smiles are tragic stories.” I think the reader needed to know where Steve’s kindness comes from so that she can open up to him.

You are awoken by the cold weather, with a weary soul. The realness of everything that happened yesterday is slowly creeping into you.  _It wasn’t a dream_

Steve’s room smelled like the waves, the ocean and the sand. It reminded you of his kindness and his warm smile. The warm bed and the soft blankets made you think of the worst things that would’ve happened if it weren’t for Steve.

When you were about to get out of the bed you hear someone coughing from the living room.  You walked briskly towards the sick man.

“Steve?” you whisper as you slowly approach the long sofa, where he’s resting.  As you come closer, you can see him shivering – but it isn’t the same shiver from last night. You hasten your pace.

_No, he isn’t shivering. He’s SHAKING._

Steve is sweating profusely and one touch on his forehead was enough to know that he has fever. You step back to get the blankets from the bedroom. You also searched the cabinets for things that he might need – medicine, face towels, thermometer, and a few bottles of water.

 _This is my fault_.

 You carry everything, and walk towards Steve. The layers of blankets that you carefully wrapped around him were not enough to conceal his uneven breathing pattern.

“Steve?” you whisper again, using a dry towel you attempt to remove the sweat pouring from his face. Slowly, he opens his eyes – the azure marble peeking under his eyelids. His lips form a half-smile, and then he closes his eyes again.  

“Can you move up for me, Steve? You need to take your medicine.”

Steve pulls himself up and you assist him – your left hand holding the back of his left shoulder and your right hand holding his right shoulder. You let go of him, and grab the fever medicine and bottle of water from the center table. Steve swallows the tablet. To avoid the water from spilling, you cup his chin with your left hand and carefully let him drink from the bottle of water. Steve slides down and makes himself comfortable on the sofa.  

“Do you want to go to the bedroom?  I can help you go there.”

Steve shakes his head - left and right.

The towel that you previously soaked on a bowl of cold water is now on Steve’s forehead – a method your mom used to do whenever you’re sick. You sit back down and brush his hair with your hands – his trembling seems less now and breathing pattern more stable. The fever meds is working quite effectively, because his sleeping face looks more peaceful, compared to what he looked like a few minutes ago.

You are staring blankly ahead when you suddenly hear a few knocks from the door.

“Steve?” The person knocking from the door calls out.

You jumped off of the chair. What should you do? You are definitely not expecting this – first, a sick Steve and now a person knocking on the door of the apartment that you don’t own. Panic ensues, but then you realize that you could ignore him, and he’ll just go away.

“Steve? Are you there?” He calls out again and twists the locked doorknob a few times. “Steve?”

 _He’ll just go away_.

But, you were so wrong.

To your horror, after a few more knocks, doorknob twisting and shouting out Steve’s name, you heard a new type of noise – the sound of keys and then a few seconds after, you can hear the door unlocking.

“Steve?” he calls out, his stoic voice clearer now, because he’s INSIDE the apartment.

You freeze up - you don’t even have the luxury of time to hide and process what just happened.  The man peers to the kitchen and then to the living room. At that moment you wished you had the ability to be invisible, and that him looking you from head to toe is just a fragment of your imaginations.

_Is he going to kick me out of the apartment? But I have nowhere to go... How do I explain everything?_

Just when you are about to explain the situation, he spoke up.

“Have you eaten?” he asks.

_What?_

The man walks straight towards the kitchen after putting down the paper bag that he was carrying. You blink twice.

_What did just happen?_

_What the hell is happening?_

You clear your throat.

_Is he misunderstanding the situation?_

“Hi. I- uhm.” You make your voice loud enough to overpower the noise that he was making in the kitchen

“James.” He interrupts. “But you can call me Bucky.”

“Okay. Yeah. Bucky.” You started.

“You see, Steve’s sick and I’m – I mean, you might be misunderstanding. I’m not -  ”

“Stop.” He cuts you off. “Before you start explaining this... situation, you can sit here first.” He points at one of the stools, “And I’ll just assist Steve to his bedroom. ‘Cause, you know, he might wake up from the noise or something.”

 After huffing an ‘okay’, you immediately followed suit. While he’s carrying Steve to the bedroom, you can hear inaudible murmurs, but you know better than to listen to the two of them. It took him a while to get Steve to the bed room, so you introduced yourself to the kitchen – you washed a few used plates, and check the pot of boiling porridge.

“Thank you for that.”

Surprised, you look back to him - you didn’t even feel him coming closer.

Bucky smiles at you – his eyes were blue like Steve’s, but it was a deeper shade of blue – almost like steel. You went back to the chair and he did, too. You are now sitting face-to-face with the second man that you met for the first time within the span of 24 hours.

“So, here’s what I know.” He starts. “One. Steve is sick. Two. You are a complete stranger wearing my best friend’s jogging pants and sweater and, three” His face tenses up. “You... look broken.”   

 _Broken_.

The word echoes into your mind, as you clench your fist and look down. You avoid looking straight into those steel blue eyes, with the fear that he might discover the extent of your brokenness - the secrets etched in your soul. He might’ve noticed your internal conflict because he starts talking again.

“Let’s start talking about what I don’t know. Your name, for example.”

You look up to him. You take a deep breath, and try to inhale all the strength that you can get.  Because, these people, these kind people – they deserve an explanation.

“I’m Y/N, Y/N L/N.”

He extends his hands and offers you a handshake. “Hi Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

_I have to tell him the truth._

You let go of his hand look down and start to tell the story of how you ended up in Steve’s apartment. You didn’t include the part before the park, because you feel that it would be unfair to Steve. You told him about how Steve found you soaking wet in the middle of a park, one rainy night and how rude you were towards Steve. You told him about how much you want him to leave you alone but he never did, he never left. You told him about the panic attack and how you woke up in the morning and discover that Steve was sick. During the whole narration of the story, there were moments where you wanted to cry but instead, you swallowed that urge and continued with the story.

“This is my fault.” You finally said.

Bucky was silent the whole time, but you know he’s listening – his eyes were fixated on you. But after the last sentence he stands up, and turns off the stove. He then pours in a few cups of porridge into a bowl and place it in front of you.

“For a second there, I thought that punk finally got himself a girlfriend. And didn’t even told me about it” He hands you a spoon and sits down. “Steve’s a good guy.”

You nod your head, as you scoop a spoonful of porridge. “Yeah.”

Bucky takes a deep breath.

“His mom died from overwork when he was a kid. Steve was a sickly kid, so she had to work her ass off for meds and food. Steve was well-aware if this situation so he would do side jobs, but he can only do so much with his frail body.” It’s like Bucky is struggling for the words to come out –like the pain that Steve felt was real for him too.

“Then one day, he woke up and saw that his mother didn’t go to work. He was happy, because as kid, it felt like; finally he can have more time to spend with his mom. But – when he entered her mom’s room, he saw her body, with a bunch of pills and tablets scattered all over the floor ... The reason her mother died – whether from a disease or if she... killed herself, is still a mystery up until now.” He takes a sip from his bottle of water.

The porridge in front of you is turning cold as you hold the half-empty bottle of water beside you. You just stared at Bucky – surprised and dumbfounded. A flood of emotions rushes inside of you. You never would’ve known that behind Steve’s bright smiles hides shadows of his dark past. Truly, the most damaged people have the warmest hearts.

“Either way,” he continues. “He still probably blames himself for letting her mother die ... alone.”

Your grip on the bottle tightens – just thinking about being alone, with no one to talk to. And it wasn’t just about being alone and being lonely, it was also about losing the person you love, the only person you had.

Then it came to you, you were in a similar situation, just a few hours ago. You felt lost, having been betrayed by two of the most important people in your life. You felt like the whole world turned its back on you. You were broken, devastated and hopeless. You were lonely, but... you weren’t alone.

_I had Steve._

Bucky’s voice cuts you off from your thoughts. “He probably saw his mother in you. Or maybe... he saw a reflection of his past in you. He probable couldn’t leave you, because he knows all too well what it means to be truly ‘alone’. You might be his attempt to save his mother or his past self.”

You can feel the weight of Bucky’s words on your shoulders. Drops of tears are now falling from your eyes.

“He’s so strong.” You mutter.

“He really is.” He pauses, a sad smile forming on his lips as he drinks from his water bottle.

 “But he can’t be strong for too long.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Y/N = Your Name; L/N = Your Last Name) My favorite part so far. I won’t say much. I just want you all to enjoy this. <3 
> 
> Don't forget to leave your comments/feedbacks!

Bucky left shortly after the moment at the dining table. His attempt to comfort you came out in the form of a big hug and a pat on the head. You went back to eat the porridge that you left on the table top.

“You can’t take care of that punk if you have an empty stomach.” he said.

You’re washing and preparing Steve’s food when you hear a soft cough from his direction. You pick up the porridge and went directly to his bedroom.

“Hi.” He greets you with a hoarse voice and another soft cough – his eyes still closed.

“Hey there. You alright?” You slowly move towards him and you place the bowl of porridge at the bedside table. You move a chair beside him. Checking if the medicine did him any good, you gently touch his forehead.

He opens his eyes. You smile at him.

“Can you eat by yourself? O should I help you eat?”

He smiles back at you. “I can eat Y/N. Thank you.”

You place a small breakfast table along with the porridge and a bottle of water on his bed just above his thighs.

“You seem to be in a good mood.” He said after sipping a spoonful of porridge.

“Who wouldn’t? Seeing you getting better makes me happier than ever. Plus, I got to meet  a cute guy a while ago.” You chuckled.

“Cute guy? You mean, me?”

“Sorry, big guy. Not you. I think his name was Bu... Bobby? Buckeroo?”

He laughs and you laugh with him. His laughter fades and the room became silent – his face suddenly looking serious.

“But are you really, though?”

“Am I really...what?”

He places his spoon on the table and look at you straight into your eyes.

“Happy.” He pauses. “Are you really happy?”

Silence.

_There he goes again._

But you know better than not telling Steve anything. Steve needs answers and explanations. He deserves it, really, after everything that he did for you.

_Answers._

_Explanations._

_Truth._

 “I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend last night.”

For the first time, in what you feel like a long time, you finally acknowledged it – the fact that they cheated on you. You thought about it and felt it. But deep inside you didn’t want to talk about it. You were afraid that talking about it will make it more real than it is. Tears fall down from your eyes, because along with the situation, the pain became more real to you too

Steve just looks at you – not even showing a hint of surprise. He places his hands on top of yours. He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t need to, because with that small gesture – you felt comfort, you felt assured.

_Steve’s here. Steve’s here with me._

“Derek and I, we were childhood friends. As for Aleesha, we met at the university. We became group mates and we hung out after that. I don’t know, we just clicked, you know. “ You smile at the sudden pang of nostalgia. “I’ve always had a huge crush on Derek and I used to think that he liked Aleesha. I mean, she’s the prettier one. But I was wrong, he confessed to me one day. He chose me. Nice love story, isn’t it? Childhood friends turned lovers.”

The pang of nostalgia that you felt a short while ago is slowly turning into feelings of loneliness.

 “I – “ you stutter as you let the tears stream down.

Steve lets go of your hand and reaches out for you face. He glides his fingers through the traces the water flowing across your cheeks. “If this hurts you this much, you don’t have to do this, Y/N”

You take his hands and cradle them into yours - his hands were soft and his palms were sweaty. You let your thumb dance along the lines on his palms.

“I have to, Steve. I _need_ to.” You exhale.

“The first time he - ” you choke. “ The first time he cheated on me – with some girl. I was extremely mad at him. I mean, I waited for this relationship since we were kids and he just cheats on me. I was so mad at him. I blamed him for his dissatisfaction. I blamed him for succumbing to the temptation. I blamed him for looking for other people when he already had me. If he loved me so, why’d he have to look for someone else?”

“Aleesha. She was there for me when it happened. She told me, I deserve someone better.” You scoff. “Who would’ve thought, right? The same person, who told me those words, would be the same person who cheats with my boyfriend 6 years after.”

“But you know what, despite me being extremely mad at him. I couldn’t stand the feeling of not talking with my boyfriend, my best friend. After a month of thinking, I felt that maybe he deserved a second chance – that maybe I shouldn’t judge him with that one mistake. If I really love him, I’ll give him a chance, right? It’s just one mistake against the thousand things he did for me because he loved me.”

_He loved me._

You place Steve’s hand on the bed and gave it a little pat and squeeze. “But this is the second time, Steve. The _second_ time! And this time, I saw it with my own eyes. I don’t know – I mean, is something wrong with me?” You sob as you wipe your tears away. “I should’ve been a better girlfriend for Derek. I should’ve given him more..” You gasp for air. “Steve. Please tell me. How do you measure love? How would I know if the love I give is enough?” You clench your fist and allow more tears to fall. “If I only I knew how much I lack, maybe I could’ve loved him more.”

  _A better person._

_A better friend._

_A better girlfriend._

_A better lover._

You cover face with your hands, as your elbows rest on your knees.

“What should I do, Steve? I’m scared.”

Steve holds onto your wrists and carefully wraps his hands into yours. With a small cough and raspy voice, Steve asks.

“What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared of – I’m scared to not love something I loved for so long. I’m scared that what I choose to do will be a bad one. I’m scared of the uncertainty – of staying and leaving.” You squeeze his hands.

_Staying._

_Will it make me happy?_

_Leaving._

_Will it make me happier?_

 Steve takes a deep breath, with his fingers filling in the spaces between yours. “My mother used to tell me, ‘Steve. The world isn’t black and white, there will always be a gray area.’ Y/N, maybe it’s the same with the choices we make. Maybe sometimes, there’s no bad choice or good choice – happy choice or sad choice.  Maybe, you just choose something not because _it’s_ a happy choice, but because you _want_ it to be a happy choice.” He pauses, a small laugh escapes from his lips. “I’m not very good at this. Do I even make sense?”

You look at his face painted with a warm smile. “Yes, you do, Steve. You make perfect sense.”

He exhales and gaze on you. “And Y/N. You don’t measure love – you can’t. You just love, Y/N. You just love, and let others love you, too.”

\----

Steve woke up with the smell of flowers and daisies greeting him – a smell that reminded him of you. He scrambled out of bed to look for you.

 You weren’t in the kitchen, not even in the rest room. You’re clothes weren’t even there.

What he found was his sweater and jogging pants neatly folded on top of the sofa, along with a piece of paper on top of it. He read the scribbles written on the small piece of paper.

He crumpled the paper and threw it away. He sat down for a moment clenched his fist and thought about it. Then he stood up, and started to run.

He ran with the words from the paper echoing inside his head.

_Steve,_

_You’re so kind to me._

_I don’t deserve this much kindness, but you still gave it to me._

_~~I’m sorry.~~ _

_Thank you._

_Get well soon._

_-Y/N_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is!! AAAH. (I might’ve literally cried while writing this chapter. The reader finally acknowledging her feelings makes me feel mushy ) I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Y/N = Your Name; L/N = Your Last Name) Yes. This is the longest and the last part. Oh boy.

Cars pass by as the traffic light in front of you changes its color to red.  You grab this opportunity to debate on whether this is the right thing to do or not. The red light turns yellow and then green. Fighting the urge to just walk away, you clench your fist and take one step forward.

 _Gray area_ , you remind yourself. _Gray Area_.

\--

The key to open the door in front of you dangles around your fingers. You can smell bacon and eggs coming from the door, and then the image of Derek cooking your favorite breakfast enters your mind.  You see how happy he looks like, how contented he looks and how looks lovingly at you when he serves you the breakfast that cooked for you. Then the thought of what a happened the other night entered your thoughts as well.  The idea that the breakfast Derek is cooking right now, that the happy, contented and loving looks aren’t for you – not anymore.

A stream of panic arises. You can feel your breathing becoming more uneven and the pounding in your ears louder.

_Oh no._

Having a panic attack right now - in front of your apartment - is the last thing that you want to happen to you right before confronting your boyfriend.  You can’t afford to have an attack right now, but the more effort that you put in subduing the attack, more memories of Derek flashes into your mind. It gets worse when the most dominant thought lingering in your head is the memory and the image of Derek and Aleesha making love with each other. You clench on your throbbing chest as you struggle to catch the air you desperately want to breathe in.

The memories are becoming more vivid, more real. But then suddenly, a particular voice stood out.

_‘Doll.  Breathe in’._

You inhale.

_‘Breathe out.’_

You exhale.

 _Breathe in._ Inhale. _Breathe out._ Exhale.

And just like that you broke out from your panic attack –your vision clearer, breathing more stable and heat’s rhythm slower.  You look around to see if Steve is there, but he isn’t. You smile at the fact that his lingering voice inside your head was enough to make the panic attacks subside. You’ve only known each other for a short time, but he already gave you so much strength.

_No turning back now._

You stand up and unlock the door in front of you. The smell of the bacon and eggs greets you once again, as you take your first step into the apartment. You hear the sound of the running water from the faucet in the kitchen and standing right in front of you – just a few meters away – is Derek.

Derek looks the same. His brown eyes, his hair that resembles James Dean’s, his habit of wearing your favorite blue, checkered apron – it’s still the same. He’s still the same charming Derek that you remembered him to be. 

_Your best friend._

_Your boyfriend._

_Your love._

His look of surprise turned into a look of pure joy as he wraps his arms around you. His embrace felt like, he waited for this moment to happen – to have you in his arms again. You want to just say ‘screw it!’  and hug him back, but you remember that those arms that are wrapped around right now, were the same arms the held Aleesha. It was enough to stop you from hugging him back.

“God. I missed you so much, Y/N”  Derek hugs you more tightly.

You pat him on the back. “Derek. We need to talk.”

“Sure! Have a seat. Have you eaten?” You can’t deny how happy Derek looks like, and you can’t deny too, that seeing him _this_ happy made your resolve falter.

You take a sit on the sofa in the living room. Derek places a cup of coffee on the table beside you, and sat beside you immediately after. You feel his hands slowly sliding into yours and he begins to speak.

“Y/N. Before you start talking, I just want to tell you that the ... thing... you saw the other night... it was nothing. I mean, we just got drunk and – “

“Nothing?” you cut him off. A tone of resentment present in your voice. You push his hand away and stand up. “This - ” you point to the area in your chest where your heart was once whole. “I’m in pain because of _something_. This isn’t ‘nothing’, Derek.”

“Babe.” he stands up and tries to calm you down. He reaches for your, but you pull it away.

 “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I - ” Derek pulls you into an embrace. “I’m sorry.”

The sound of Derek’s voice crack and the warm water dripping over your shoulders made your heart falter once again. The thoughts of being a better girlfriend, of ‘should’ve been’s and ‘what if’s, of regrets and second chances start to engulf your thoughts once again.

“Forgive me, Y/N. Please. I love you”

You break free from Derek’s embrace and caress his cheeks – his  eyes were filled with tears, guilt and sorrow.

“And I love you too, Derek.”

His lips forms a small smile.

“But - ” you continue. “This – this needs to end.”

Those words left a bitter taste on your mouth. You swallow and take a deep breath. In a matter of seconds, Derek’s expression transformed – from pleading, it became confused and remorseful. It’s now Derek’s turn to pull away from you.

“End? What do you mean?”

“This. Us.“ you point at him and then to yourself. “We need to break up.”

“I love you, Derek. I really do.” You look straight into his eyes. “I loved you when we were children, while we were playing in the rain. I loved you each time you wore my favorite apron,. I loved you when we cuddle at night and watch our favorite movies. I - I chose to love you after you cheated on me last time. I love you right now, as we speak. But Derek - ” you take a deep breath. “I want to stop loving you. I want to love you a little less, and love myself a little more.”

Emotions are filling up in your chest, and you can feel waves of tears struggling to burst out of your eyes. But you can’t cry – you promised yourself that you _won’t_ cry. You muster up the strength to not let them out. You’ve cried enough. You’ve had enough.

 “Y/N. Babe. We don’t have to do this. We can fix this. Together, right? Like when we were kids. We did this for seven years, we can do this again, right?” he holds your hands. “Everything that happened was a mistake. It was my mistake. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this”

“Derek. It wasn’t a mistake.  It was a decision – a choice that you made. At that moment, you chose someone else. You chose Aleesha over our relationship, over me. ”

“Why are you being like this, Y/N? We loved each other since we were kids! How can you just – Seven years. Seven years, Y/N. And you’re just throwing everything away.”

You can hear the sound of agitation within Derek’s voice. But you know better than to fight anger with anger. You’re too emotionally exhausted to be angry, but you don’t want to leave things undone and unexplained. You want to let it all out. So with calm and shaking voice, you respond.

“That’s the point, Derek. For seven years, I - ” you breath in, and then out. “For as long as I can remember, I loved you. I wasn’t perfect, I know, but every day, when I wake up in the morning I always chose to love you, again and again and again. And it hurts me, that loving you each and every day, wasn’t enough to stop you from cheating... with Aleesha”

 Derek takes a step back, the weight of your words sinking in. He sits down and covers his face with his hands. A short while after you hear him gasp for air, as he chokes on his own tears. Seeing Derek like likes made you want to wrap him in your arms and cling to him. You want to take back all the words that you said and just start over again, with him.  Oh god knows how tempted you are – to choose ‘him’ over ‘me’.

“I’m sorry, Derek.” You walk towards the door.

One step.

Two steps.

_Slowly._

Three steps.

_Breath in. Breath out._

Three steps and a few more.

“I love you,Derek. Goodbye.”

You close the door behind you.

\--

Steve finds himself standing in front of the bench where he found you crying. The trees, the grass, the lamp – they are still there. Everything is in the same place – everything, except you.

After searching in the Burger shop, the street where you bumped into each other, and all the stores around, he was sure that he’d finally find you in the park, but he was so wrong. Feelings of frustration and disappointment creeps through him, as the thoughts of permanently losing you, fill in his mind.  He knows it - deep inside – that this is a lost case, that the probability of actually finding you is close to nothing. But he can’t stop now, he _won’t_ stop now.

 _I found her once. I can find her again_.

\--

With the red light flashing from the other side of the street, Steve stopped.  After running around the city, he’s now feeling impatient and tired. He bows down and let his hands rest on his thighs. He looks up and for a moment, he felt that everything moved in slow motion. The sight of you made all the impatience and tiredness go away.

“Y/N!” he shouts.

You didn’t look back. His feelings of happiness turned to worry, when he caught a glimpse of how lost you looked like.

“Y/N!” he shouts again.

Steve’s urge to just cross the street with all those fast cars is high. He can’t die now, especially when he’s _this_ close to being with you again.

 The light turned yellow.

You are slowly being enveloped by the crowd of people around you.

Yellow. Blinking.

He’s losing sight of you again.

Green.

Steve leaps and runs towards you.

\--

You find yourself standing in front of a dead end. You let the voices of the people from the street fade away , and you let the silence of back alley overpower your emotions. You aren’t even sure of your feelings anymore. You are whole, and at the same time broken. Alive, but dead inside. Free, but miserable.

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_If only Steve was here, I –_

“Y/N!”

The sound of his voice makes you look back at once.

There he is.

_Steve_

Looking back at you with his azure eyes and his warm smile . He’s really there.

_Steve._

You slowly walk towards Steve, and he slowly walks towards you, too.

You stopped on your tracks when you noticed him panting and sweating profusely.

“What have you been doing? You just got sick, you can’t just – “

Steve’s tight embrace cuts you off from your sentence.

“I was busy looking for you.”

These words made you weak on your knees; it was music to your eyes. It felt as if those were the exact words that you wanted to hear all day. It felt as if, just like Steve, you finally found what you were looking for.

“You’re annoying.” The tears that you desperately tried to suppress a while ago made its way out of your eyes. You gasp for air, and hug him back. You cling to Steve’s hurt and just cry like a baby.

_You, being kind, it’s annoying._

_You, being warm and comforting, it’s annoying._

_Your,  finding me, it’s annoying._

_You, being there when I need you the most, it’s annoying._

_You, not asking for anything and just giving so much, it’s annoying._

“It’s over, Steve. We’re over.” You cry to him, and you feel his embrace tighten.

“Mm-hmm.” He pats your head and, gently pats your back.

“I thought – “ you gasp “I thought doing this will free me ... from these emotions. ” you inhale “But why does it feel like I’m still trapped inside these feelings? Why does it feel that I lost the ability to move forward?”

Steve pulls away from the brace and cups your cheeks with his hands. He wipes your tears with his thumb and pushes away all the stray strands of hair covering your face.

“Who told you that you need to move forward now?” He smiles at you. “You can always, do that tomorrow or the next day or next week. Even if it feels impossible now, you can move forward. You _will_ move forward.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not.” He chuckles, and you smile at him. “But I’m sure that, I won’t leave you until you can. I’ll make sure that I’ll be with you to the end of the line.”

Steve wraps his arms around you again.

_I won’t lose you again._

E N D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. This is literally the end of this series. HOW WAS IT? This is the first series that I’ve ever written and the first series that I finished. And I’m here like aaaaaaaaaa who would’ve thought I can pull off a series ? ? Love and Let Love is a special series for me (despite its many grammatical errors), since some of it reflected my internal struggle. (I don’t have boyfriend issues, it’s just life in general lerl) I don’t know what to say!!
> 
> DID YOU LIKE IT?? If you did, please do leave a comment! (what you liked and didn't like - but please be kind hahaha)
> 
> Thank youuuu for reading till the very end :)


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